I was writing out my Yays and Nays post the other evening when I just stopped.
I didn’t want to write about that.
I wanted to write that in fact, due to a lot of stresses over the last month, I’m going to actually write what I want to write right now, I’m not going to worry about what people think.
This is half the reason I don’t blog as often as I ‘should’ be, because I constantly wonder not only what people will think of me as a blogger, but every think of every part of me and it’s exhausting.
Even debating whether to post this or not has taken me the best part of a week to do.
It’s exhausting because I don’t just have this mindset towards blogging, I have this mindset in most other areas of my life.
What I needed, was someone to tell me how to process all 101 thoughts in constantly going round in my head, which get so piled up on top of each other, it feels as though I don’t have the brain capacity to know how to deal with them – and if I do – I worry about the potential consequences doing something about it.
A vicious circle indeed.
This revelation has not come out of the blue.
It wasn’t until an unfortunate incident at work last month that got to me much more personally than it would normally do, to the point where I could no longer actually function. I literally came to a standstill for 3 days straight while my brain tried to process not only this incident, but everything else I’d been trying to juggle.
I talk with J and my Mum all the time about work stresses and cannot thank and appreciate them enough for their support and advice – but this time I needed someone to tell me why this incident affected me more than it should and how the hell I can begin to clear the chaos that goes on inside my brain on a daily basis.
I decided I needed to get out of this state. After discussing it through with J – I decided to do something I would never normally do.
Speak to a complete stranger about it all in attempt to gain another view of things as I could only focus on what was in my brain, but even that itself I couldn’t focus on.
After a couple of sessions it was clear that in fact this self doubt and feeling the need to constantly please people has always been there deep down. Ive struggled to make friends at school, and when I do, I’m so worried about loosing them I don’t show them any signs of weakness incase they feel as though I’m demanding for them. Instead I’ve always been the friend who will listen and support at a moments notice, which is why I feel a lot of them rely (and I’m happy to give it of course) on me as a go to source of advice and support.
I have now been given little affirmations to say to myself when things get too much and attempting to find my own way of de-stressing (at the moment it’s going for walks and keeping a to do list and reflection diary). Although when I started this and went back to tell this person , she told me I was still putting pressure on myself to want to correct everything right away and that I will slowly learn with time that not everything going on needs to be sorted out right now- just face one problem at a time and the others will naturally resolve as I’ll then have more ‘capacity’ to deal with them.
That’s not to say I’m going to stop caring about any one anymore, but I just need to recognise when I need to slow things down and take time out to look after myself, to cut myself some slack in a bid to avoid these massive build ups leading to break downs.
I need to remember that while I may only have a select group of friends and family, these are invaluable relationships that I have built up and should remember that these people love me for who I am and that I shouldn’t feel ashamed at all of showing signs of weakness. It’s time to use my support group and actually take from it as opposed to just giving.
I’m so glad I sought help, because that in itself I felt was a massive weakness in myself. I am now recognising the need to slow down and care less. I wouldn’t say I’m a ‘totally changed new person’ but I sure am making progress.
Till next time